the · lonely · road

I've purged everybody from my friends list. See this isn't my real journal this is my other journal. On my real journal I have real-life sisters & cousins & friends on my friends list. The reason I started this journal was so I could document certain problems that keep arising in my life.

But typical me, I had to go to add-me's and get some friends and then I felt to pathetic to write what I needed to write because someone might actually read it. Now I don't care if anybody keeps me on their friends list even though I unfriended everybody, I just know in my heart I am writing for myself.

I should not have had that sixth beer. I don't even normally drink beer and I know it gives the worst headache of all but I did it anyway. Should not have done that. I have to get up in the morning and write an essay.

Every time I start this essay I go for about an hour then decide some alcohol will help me. It doesn't. It helps me go to sleep is what it does. I don't know I wouldn't say I have a drinking problem though it would be classified as such by the people around me who love me, if they knew I was drinking this much + during the day.

I don't know. I want to live with my boyfriend because he would stop me from doing these stupid things/I wouldn't have time to stuff around doing these stupid things like chatting to friends on msn while drinking. However there is the porno that I found and the fact that I believe he cares for me & loves me the way you would a family member - but not in that way that I need. I did confront him about the porno and he said that I shouldn't concern myself/worry about his interests! I mean what the fuck is that if not insulting and I should have broken up with him on the spot but I didn't. Probably because I'd had a couple when I asked him. He has identified a drinking problem but thinks that it is ok if I am with him.

This is obviously very bad because I need him. Oh I'm trying to be independant and stuff & acting like I don't need anybody but I don't think I'm succeeding very well. I have to restrain myself. I lied to everybody (including him) and said that I had finished my essay and that is why I am back in Perth a day early with nobody knowing so that I can finish it tomorrow.

I have to be very strong tomorrow. I'm not sure I can do that.

So, approaching one month without one single cigarette. Pat on the back at least for that.

PS. How disgusting is that smiley?

This just isn't working. The microtabs taste like shit and even though I'm enjoying smelling pretty and, well, actually being able to smell I just want one, one is all I ask for!

Fucking hell. It's only been 3 days. And I'm working tomorrow with a chain-smoking co-worker. Lunch is going to kill me.

Happy happy happy jan.

I owe the library $216. Aman!

"Yet contemporary philosophy and sociology of science (Quine 1960, 1981; Latour 1987) imply that conception of such epistemological chasms are unsustainable." - Sylvia Walby, "Against Epistemological Chasms: The Science Question in Feminism Revisited (2001) Signs.

For a paper that was written in 2001, to say that 1960, 1981 & 1987 are "contemporary" years is pretty poor.

God I'm stressing out. I need to finish this essay but time is going so fast. I have to work tomorrow. I have to call the uni library and ask them how much I owe in fines before they close for the year on Thursday and I have sanctions until the next year. I need to pay my parking fine. I need to fill out the form for the lawyers about the car accident 2 years ago. I need to get my passport done. I need to write my CV.

I need to write this essay. I also need to watch Neighbours tonight.

I feel like every minute I sit here I get fatter. I'm 63kg at the moment but I feel fat. I found my Turkish dictionary at least today so yay for that.

I have been cleaning out all of my study and other papers from the spare room today to put off doing my essay. I came across my letters box - a lot of them, most of them, were from Rebecca. I decided to ditch them because I was a different person then.

Then I found an envelope where Rachel had written her blogspot addy on it (http://anthraxonatampax.blogspot.com) which was her first blog. I had a look at the blog because I was curious and in a reminicing kind of mood.

Man. It was 2003 that I met up with her and my life changed so dramatically. I spent the good part of a year fucking up my life with her. Then in 2004 I spent the good part of a year trying to get my life back on track while she systematically tried to dismantle everything I worked so hard to achieve.

I haven't dreamt about her in a long time, which is so good. A couple of months ago I had a sucession of dreams about her. In some I was friends with her again and she was doing the same shit as before. In others she wouldn't leave me alone and I was telling her to stay out of my life.

My dreams? Are beautiful. Last night I dreamt that I was sleeping and partner kissed me, and I woke up but was pretending to be asleep but couldn't help smiling because he kissed me three times again.

I wish all my dreams were like that.

I haven't had a cigarette in two days which I'm incredibly proud of myself for. I know its only two days and I am using microtabs as well but it is just so final this time. I am not going back to it. I have shed the skin of that identity which was never really anything to do with my subjectivity in the first place.

Mum told me that Jane is back from Europe. I'd like to catch up with her, but the thought has been making me reflect on exactly what I have achieved in the last 5 years since high school. When I finish this essay tomorrow morning I will have completed my degree and will have 2 years office experience which is a great achievement but most of the people I went to highschool with finished their degrees two years ago and have 2 years professional experience. Or they've been traveling and working overseas, like Jane. Which is also an amazing achievement.